| After 4 years of the
same pain where the man I have been seeing was
eligible for divorce this month told me he needed to
figure out where his future was heading. My last 4
months of him asking for "space" was him
reconnecting with his wife and spending his weekends
with her.
We were due to move in together last Christmas -
my apartment was 3/4 packed. The removalists were
booked. Three days out from the moving date,
on Christmas Eve, he told me he did not want me
moving in with him. He said he felt it was too
rushed.
You would have thought I realized then the man's
heart was not with me.
Your newsletters are so timely- I am going
through this painful process of acceptance now.
Many thanks.
[name withheld for privacy]
Mimi,
Just throwing this in...could it be that Romeo's
wife began to have feelings again for him because
another woman was in love with him? His value went
up, and that's another good reason for "Bethany" to
back out of the relationship.
I once worked with a guy who told us all at break
time that he couldn't get a date before he was
married, and since he was married, he's had six
girlfriends at once. So his wife gave him the
confidence that attracted all these girls.
I'm grateful for your emails!
L.
Hi again Mimi,
Thank you for
publishing my thoughts earlier and I appreciated all
the other comments so much.
I was particularly enlightened when you talked about
older children being very angry with their father
for rejecting their mother.
My father did this,
affairs LATE in life (I assume they happened earlier
too but he wasn’t caught). My mother threw him out.
He was soon back begging for forgiveness, but he
lied and never gave up the other women as he
gradually died of cancer with my mother nursing him.
He was still seeing her till near the end secretly
in face of my mother's lifelong love.
He left a little money to
the other woman, and she created scenes in the
cemetery.( This reads like a bad movie.)
The pain all around was
extreme and ongoing. I believe it accelerated the
demise of my own marriage and my brothers.
There are a couple of lessons I really learned well
out of this.
A man who is committed
will strongly lead a reconciliation with his wife.
There will be total open phone and email
transparency. That man will only offend once. If he
reoffends, DUMP HIM, even if he has been married to
you for 40 years.
He is slime quality. If
he is your boyfriend, remember you are entrusting
your happiness to a lying cheat.
The other thing is that he will never leave his wife
even unto death, and you will only be a embarrassing
side line in the end.
He will think of you as
weak and “expendable” and a comfortable fall back
position.
You don’t deserve this.
- Rachel
Mimi, you speak so much to the heart. I'm
fortunately not in this situation but I've been
through a similar one, that devastated me.
I ''waited in the balcony'' for years, with
someone who played with my heart, maybe without
knowing it - wish I had received these emails
before. They are simple and direct. :)
Thank you.
R.
Amazing!!!! I love to see how you turn these "Mr.
Nice Guys" into the really jerks they are! We all
have been in the middle of a situation like that
before. We were blind; we believed those
lies....
Run, Bethany, run!
C.
Excellent advice. You got him so well. Love ur
emails. U really understand both men and women.
Please keep them coming!
Blessings . . . . . G x
This reminds me of an old joke..
A couple in their 90s were in front of a judge
in divorce court after 60+ years of marriage.
When the judge asked why they were getting
divorced after all these years, they replied,
"Well judge, we were waiting until the kids were
dead."
So yes, there will always be another crisis or
excuse for this man to delay leaving his wife
for good.
Susan
This really struck a chord as so many people are separated and in divorce
process. I've been there and I literally had to move out of state, as I knew I
would hang on to a very dysfunctional man.
Then the unbelievable happened (no one could
make this up) and Mimi, you can shorten my story
and post this if you want - when I was involved
with the "love of my life" he had been separated
and had filed for divorce. I knew few people in
that county where he lived. We were Wildly in
love, lust, and connection, but I told him
to go back to his marriage and make things
better, as he was waffling, and he did - he
moved back in with her.
Right after that, I hired a lawyer for my
own divorce. I was already separated from my
husband, but I stopped my own waffling, and
loved that other man. I knew my marriage had
long been over.
I had no contact with that man and thought
about him constantly. Then my lawyer said she
was going through a tough time in her own
marriage. She had a different last name than the
man I was in love with. I had hired her
quickly, gave her the retainer, only to find out
very fast that the man I loved was her husband!
OOPS! It was so weird! But the man I loved was
back with her, so I did not contact him. I was
crushed.
My divorce became final very quickly as it
was uncontested. I then found out MY husband,
now ex-husband had been having an affair with
HER during my divorce process. Huh???? They told
me they were getting married a week after my
mother died. Talk about cruel.
She lived with her husband and my ex-husband
at the same time until her divorce was final!
She divorced the guy who was the love of my
life, and then quickly married my ex-husband 15
days after her own divorce was final!
Then she proceeded to openly defend my ex
husband in the courts (yes, she is under
investigation for legal malpractice).
I was emotionally and financially devastated.
I have no co-parenting with my former husband;
the child support is never on time, legal fees
are horrible, and her ex-husband was devastated;
whatever hopes I had with him are GONE. He now
is in practice with her! Think these men are
stable? Think I was thinking straight? Nope!
So the motto of this horrendous and
life-altering experience is;
1. When people tell you they are going through
marital changes or questioning their marriages,
RUN!
2. Do not date for two years after a long
marriage, then do counseling if you enter into a
serious relationship with that new person, and
never ever hire a lawyer without researching
them, and never hire a lawyer in panic.
Hire a lawyer who specializes in divorce/family
law if you're getting a divorce.
So Juliet, JUMP off that balcony, and move
away. Move forward. You simply do not know what
it is happening behind closed doors.
- True story and I think about that love
every day, but - that's my low self-esteem that
I need to work on. Life!
Thanks for a great email. It's powerful.
Dear Mimi, I had tears in my eyes when I
read the correspondence below because
Bethany and I are in the same situation. It
seems clearer now when I'm reading of
someone else's drama because I get so caught
up in my own situation.
Thank you for shinning the light in my
darkness. I will try and put my heart first
now and have no contact with him until he
makes a decision that will keep me happy,
pain-free and guilt-free.
Thanks so much Mimi.
Thank you Mimi for this beautiful piece. As
you rightly said women all over the world are
passing through romantic situation like
"Bethany" this is very true. I am African and I
do read all your messages which is very
interesting and mostly an eye-opener to me and
other women out there.
Bethany's story is no different from mine,
just that my boy friend then never got a divorce
from his wife. I met this man when I went to
England for my Master's Degree. But after 4
years with him, I returned to my Nigeria and I
began to realize what he was actually doing to
me.
It was a hard decision to leave him. It was
very difficult due to the bond between us. I
eventually did anyway, and now I am much
happier.
Please continue with your good work. Your
faithful reader, P.
Thanks so much for this story about Bethany.
I have been in the same boat for three years
too. I'm even dating another man, but
somehow my "soul mate" keeps popping in to
say hi and see how I'm doing.
Each time it gets harder and harder to let
go of him. We do not have a physical
relationship anymore. I stopped that before
I made any commitment with the new man. I
thought I would never get over the love we
shared, but each day it gets easier. Even
when he calls unexpectedly, the sharp pain
in my heart is getting less severe. So, it
does get better, the feelings may not be
gone completely but at least it's getting
less painful in my heart.
Thanks Mimi
Dear Mimi,
I was in a situation similar to this in
my late 20's. It almost killed me I
finally left but it had a toll on me. I
had to bend my own desires and morals
to accommodate his indecision so much,
that it weakened my immune system and I
developed cervical cancer.
This was back in the 80's there weren't
too many options. I went to 5 doctors
and they all said the only option was
as complete hysterectomy which would
prevent me from ever having kids.
I finally went to a doctor from India
that said there was a new method called
Laser surgery. She explained that they
could take the cancer part out, leaving
the rest so I could still have children,
BUT only I could keep the cancer away.
She explained this kind of cancer (as
many others too) are caused by emotional
distress, sadness, frustration etc. She
said I had to be VERY careful to not get
into a dysfunctional relationship and
also eat in a healthy manner.
I am 55 now VERY healthy, happy, and
have a wonderful 20-year-old son. I
feel fortunate to have learned about the
body/mind/soul connection
early in life.
Update: Mr. Indecision went back to his
ex-wife for about a year or so. Cheated
on her repeatedly. He left her, then
played the field for awhile... had
several lovers then he got married
again.
One time 10 years later he looked me up
and we went out for dinner. I was free
and was long over him... so I agreed to
see him out of curiosity more than
anything else. BTW, I did not know he
had gotten re-married... he "forgot" to
mention it until the next morning.
Anyway, the chemistry was still strong
between us; for a moment I regressed to
Juliet and thought "our love has lasted
all these years... it must be our
destiny to be together...." I was livid
when I found out he was married. He was
doing the same thing AGAIN.
We had a one-night fling for "old time
sake" which I do NOT recommend
to anyone. I did however, find out that
he has had several lovers while married
to his second wife, has kids and a
business with her... but keeps the
passion and the romance area for his
latest lover(s).
As charming as he was, I clearly saw his
true colors. I realized how happy and
smart I was for letting go of him so
long ago. That could have been me
married to a man that had a lover every
place he travelled, with absolutely no
remorse what-so-ever for cheating on his
wife.
The epilogue: 7 years ago he was in
town again and contacted me inviting me
out for sushi. I said sure but it's
only dinner.... there will be no
dessert. He
laughed and thought I was kidding.
After dinner he was shocked that I went
straight home and did not invite him in.
He was still playing the same game. He
wanted to make "love" to me
because he knew me before his wife and
never felt the passion he felt with me.
A line he finally confessed to using
with his other lovers.
He was shocked that he was not able to
seduce me. Once he realized he would
not be getting any "dessert" I started
asking him a lot of questions about his
wife and their life together.
He said he loved his wife, she is his
partner in business the mother of his 3
kids and best friend, and his soul mate.
I told him that if what he was saying is
true, he has no business coming on to me
or any other woman. I told him he should
be more respectful of his wife and their
marriage... that he needs to stop his
affairs before she finds out and leaves
him.
I never heard from him again... but I
know he has not changed. He was, and
always will be a
spineless, manipulative, coward.
|
Wonderful....... This is so
perfect for me; I've actually had to lay down
from exhaustion of these great 2 days of advice!
I loved your advice of thinking of the wife.
My girlfriend who also gets your emails said,
"No wonder his ex-wife (who I just found out is
still a total wife, no papers ever filed) drinks
& got fat....."
Her husband (the guy I loved) has lived in
other states for years, tells people that he's
divorced, & is with other women..... Thank the
Good Lord I didn't ever have sex with him...
My question...... I loved him.... Or loved
the illusion of who he was soooo much, I'm just
having such a hard time wrapping my mind around
someoone lying to someone like that.
So, is there a way to get over this...... WHAT
HAPPENED, WHAT THE HECK.......horrible, duped,
sad feeling... I'm very busy, teach dance and
fitness, have friends..... but this experience
has blindsided me.......
Thank you ....... :)
L.
Juliet has
left the
balcony - WOW!
I am the ex wife in a very similar situation as
Bethany. My husband had an affair for 2
years behind my back, & has been gone for a
year. He visits & stays with us & has the
relationship with his own Bethany.
I am living an eternal hell, because I want my
husband back & the father of my children back.
Both of us, the two women in his life, are
allowing this man to have his cake & eat it
too...
Dear Mimi,
If there is anyway you can find out what
happened to 'Bethany', I would really like to
know. I am seriously thinking that it is
time to leave the 'balcony' myself!
Also, I have read Flirting, Calling Men, and
Hard to Get - ALL FANTASTIC! You
have absolutely amazing insight! Thank you
for everything you do!
Grateful Jo
Mimi, Thanks so much for sharing. I recognise
"string along." One does have to take a deep breath
and remove oneself far from this toxic situation.
I hope Bethany has found her strength. I feel
for both ladies, as you said the ex-wife had to put
up with his bad behaviour before. Was there a movie
called "Waiting to Exhale"'? How women promote bad
behaviour from men.
Regards, C.
I can't believe that I received this email today! It is like you are talking
to me.
Thanks! However, to leave someone I love
is the hardest thing. I feel emotionally
exhausted, devastated and lonely. Could you
please talk more about this topic? J.
Hi Mimi, The man who
left his wife for whatever reason had
time to think over his decision while getting
his ego stroked one way or another and liked it.
He realized he was still emotionally &
physically tied to his wife when he was reminded
of the heat of Passion which he & his wife
experienced years ago & how good it could be if
he could just get there with her again.
It's easy to use the kids as an excuse so he
wouldn't have a lot of explaining to do about
why he's still in love with his wife!
Juliet better run &
run fast. Don't leave a forwarding address or
phone number. Just vanish from this man's life &
give him who he wants & already has before she
becomes all used up in his games of "I got my
cake & damn it's good especially the icing!"
He is telling Juliet
he has no intention of leaving his wife for her.
GET IT JULIET?????
- G.
I just wanted to comment too about "Juliet
has left the
balcony." I
believe that I was recently in this situation
myself only on the wife's side of the story.
When it all came about I told him I was worth
way more than "I'm not sure" and that it was
time for me to make his mind up for him. I
told him that it was time for him to leave.
He fought me on it for a couple weeks and
during that time we were still having sex just
as passionately as we had throughout our entire
relationship. Meanwhile, I'm sure he told
the other woman that we had been over for a long
time.
Even though I loved him and we have a son, I
was finally able to get him to leave. Now
he has informed me that they will be getting
married when everything is final with us.
Yet he still asks me why I didn't "fight" for
him to stay with me.
My point is, I believe that he never stopped
loving me, but that she made him feel good when
he was depressed with other issues. At
that point she filled a place I didn't which is
fine but I deserve better. So Bethany
needs to decide that she deserves better.
[name withheld]
Hello Mimi!
After reading Bethany's letter, I realized
we women do take on a lot and let men get
away with it just because of denial.
- B.
Dear Mimi
I have lived the same situation – separate, with
kids, mother, house sharing, blabla . . . ALL
LIES !!!!!!!!!!!!! it is the perfect setup for
them to have multiple FWB , no weekends, no
vacations, the perfect male life.
They mostly marry a women that looks like and
act like a mom (!) so they feel secure. Indeed
they complained about the sex, it's obvious! But
then if you give it to him for free, no
commitment, what a blast, he'll be happy and
always go back to mommy …
Kids are his alibi. I had a guy who gave me the
"kid" crap for so many years until the kids were
adults. I left him a long time ago, but he did
not change his dumb technique with other younger
girls who believe his scams.
It is so lame !
I had a male friend telling me that he is very
happy to be married so he can have sex with more
women in a FWB mode, "the male new freedom,"
they are so thrilled about it, it's becoming
pathetic!
Have a nice day, Mimi.
[name withheld for privacy]
Hello Mimi,
I so agree with you and the
other women who commented on poor Bethany’s
situation. I am divorced with three grown children.
My ex and his family are still part of my family
life. I do not sleep with him. Neither of us cheated
on each other.
As we were both concerned about
the children and revisionist history neither of us
dated during our divorce. Since that time my ex has
dated several women and I have finally found a
wonderful man of my own that I am madly in love
with. He is also divorced, has two children and
gets along with his ex.
WE all get along because we are
respectful of our new Places in our family and it’s
ongoing history. My children and his see their
parents as committed HONEST adults acting
respectfully towards each other and the entire now
extended family.
Bethany’s man is clearly not
concerned with anyone but himself. He is cheating
EVERYONE in his family but most of all he is
cheating the children.
Kids need to understand that
fairy tales do not come true, that people make
mistakes and that EVERYONE is entitled to be loved
and respected and told the truth.. This guy is no
hero for showing these children that he is just
another cheating sugar coated Uncle Daddy who wants
his cake and eat it too. That is not a real man nor
a good role model for a father. And children almost
always figure out the truth anyway.
Bethany you deserve better for yourself and your
future family no matter what form that may take. Go
back to the world library of men and start taking
out some to try. There are so many wonderful man to
know. It took me 6 years to find my man but it was
worth the wait and I had a lot of fun in the
process.
Do not be the enabler for this liar. You only
extend his crime to you.
Thanks Mimi for all of your help and advice. You
have helped me more than you know to get to this
place.
Cheers, S.
Great advice, Mimi!
As hard as dating can be, she can find a new love
-- one that is a 1000x hers that she doesn't have to
share. And it will be so wonderful she will wonder
why she wasted years with this guy!
Your B.S. meter is right! I wouldn't be so sure
that he isn't already intimate with his ex-wife!
She needs to take a giant wrecking ball to her
life! Leave him, switch jobs to another city if need
be. But mostly go out and just meet another people.
Mr. Wonderful will find her.
Love your newsletters!
Doreen
Hi Mimi, I loved your story: Juliet has
left the balcony! That is so perfect; it
works well mentally as a mantra because a
woman can visualize it. And I think your
description of the wounded hero is also
perfect.
I saw a guy like this off and on for a
period of maybe a year. The reason
I started to try to date him was because he
was separated from his wife. I was separated
too. But I realized the hard way that men
many times go back to their wives.
I had no intention of going back (though
my ex did try to come back to our marriage).
I think it is maybe because the pain of
divorce is so difficult that men have a very
hard time coping since their wives are the
ones they are used to turning to, whereas
women have many friends.
That being said, I went through this intense
thing when finally on Christmas Eve or Day,
this guy told me he was going back to his
wife. EVEN THOUGH...it was a horrible
marriage.
The fact that his kids hated him had a
lot to do with it. And yet, I was infatuated
with him. I hung in there and ultimately he
just broke my heart over and over. He ended
up after years of this sort of game-playing
with his poor wife, moving in with a woman
he had had an affair with during his
marriage. It's like I was the mistress of
the mistress. Can you believe it?
Really soulful, wounded guy. But way out
of touch with his self-absorption and what
he was doing to everyone, including his
children.
I think women think that if they cut the
guy out he will never come back, so they put
up with a bad situation.
Meanwhile I AM moving on, going to grad
school and moving across the country myself.
So it's almost like I set my sights on ME
and even though this other stuff sidelines
me, my bow has been pulled and my arrow shot
and I am that arrow.
Thanks for a great great email. Your
analysis was right on, and compassionate!
Thanks so much for this story about
Bethany. I have been in the same boat for
three years too. I'm even dating another
man, but somehow my "soul mate" keeps
popping in to say hi and see how I'm doing.
Each time it gets harder and harder to let
go of him. We do not have a physical
relationship anymore. I stopped that before
I made any commitment with the new man. I
thought I would never get over the love we
shared, but each day it gets easier. Even
when he calls unexpectedly, the sharp pain
in my heart is getting less severe. So, it
does get better, the feelings may not be
gone completely but at least its getting
less painful in my heart.
Thanks Mimi
The Original Email These Refer To and More Responses
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