He Just Happens To Be Married

Hey Beautiful,

For those who are emotionally bound to married men, know
that a LOT of people reading this (and writing this - ahem)
have "been there."

It's true that we can't choose who we fall in love with. It
can also be true that you and he would make a wonderful
couple.

But in most cases, trying to compete with an established
marriage is some serious misery that you do not need to
sign up for.

Yet it can be hard and almost impossible to see this when
you're in the middle of the intense infatuation and even
love for a man who "happens to be married."

Happens to be?  Honey, there's nothing "happens to be"
about it. His marriage is not EVEN any remote kind
of coincidental circumstance.

Here's what happened.  He just HAPPENED to fall in love
with that woman.

Men are emotional AND LOGICAL creatures who do not
usually make the marriage decision lightly.

Most states/countries have a short waiting period
between applying for the marriage license and actually
tying the knot so that the drugs can wear off and
the hangover can begin.

Men marry because they want to marry... because they
DECIDE to marry HER.  Usually they're not tricked or
pressured into it...  (the shotgun marriage method still
works after all these years, however).

It's shocking to recognize that the man you love may
also love someone else a lot more than you realized...
but true. Sadly true if you fall in love with him sometime
later on.  Sadder still if he encourages you to do so.

So don't sign up for this torture. Life is tough enough
without making it practically IMPOSSIBLE.

I've known more than one couple who DID marry and get
together - who originally were the husband and his mistress;
he left his wife, and married her.  In fact, they can be some
of the most respectable people you know (that you didn't
necessarily know this about).

How can I describe them?

In a word, very defensive. Okay, 2 words. In several cases,
the wife is the big church-goer, but hey - she was the Other
Woman, ya know??

Of course, we can be forgiven for being the other woman.
(If not, heaven will have a real population crisis...)

Am I saying the former "other women" should avoid church to
"atone" for their sin? Of course not, that would be stupid....

Fact is, we're all human. We mess up big time. We can
move on and be forgiven.

I do know marriages that started out this way that were
in fact TRUE love that lasted decades until death.

I'm not saying it isn't always true love.

But if he's married, then let him be.  If your love
with him is truly meant to be, then he can take care
of his marriage on his own, and he can someday seek
you out when he is 100% single and recovered... and
not still on the fence with one foot still in his
marriage.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *

Here are three more great emails I have received
on our story "Juliet Has Left the Balcony":

Hi Mimi - I really enjoy your down to earth advise!
I couldn't help giving my two cents on Bethany's story.

First of all, she sounds like she's on drugs. Secondly,
what kind of immature, stupidly desperate and desperately
stupid woman is she? No part of this "story" makes any
sense. All the love, love, love and little girl romance
can't hide the fact that this guy is a total dog.

Yes, we all make stupid mistakes when it comes to men and
relationships, but this reads like an old Harlequin romance
except it turns out horribly - for her! I had to laugh at
some of the responses.

Bottom line - if he's married, or says he's separated, says
the wife hates him, WHATEVER, he's NOT free, not available,
not a good choice.

Been there, done that, bought the tank top....
She needs to pull up her panties and get a life.

-- Karen


Sigh..........Mimi...I just read letters ....OMG...HOW DEPRESSING!!!!!!  I WANT TO SLIT MY WRISTS!!!! (Just kidding...)...Is there ANY hope or are ALL men liars, cheaters, scumbags? Its seems now that FWB sex is sooooooo easy to get (Internet) that NO man has to be faithful... OR CARES!!!!,......ARGH! I'M SO DEPRESSED........!!

-- Suz

Hi Mimi,

It's pretty sad when infatuation causes marriages to break up.

Quite an intoxicating drug.  Under the spell, we think it's destiny; true love; meant to be.

This story of Juliet on the balcony is about a mistress breaking up a marriage and a family.  But she won't see it that way.

How can he find the 'in-love' feelings again for his wife when he's too busy giving that emotional side of himself to an intoxicating
affair?

Someone cannot make a true and honest decision to end a marriage
with a spouse if there is a paramour waiting in the wings.

I am shocked daily when I see how many people think it's okay for other people to have an affair and even support the couple with the affair and divorce.  I mean I "get" what causes people to fall into affairs.

But it's the rest of us who condone it in so many ways that shocks me the most.  What most of us don't recognize is a person in a separation is still married.  Usually there is a shocked and devastated spouse trying to bring the marriage back -- yet most people encourage divorce and the couple in the affair instead of the marriage and the family.

Mimi, I love your column because it's the etiquette for dating that I never knew.  I think we need education not just about that, but also very clearly about supporting marriages instead of undermining them.

Very often people believe they want a divorce only to discover the sorrow and loss and reality of it all.    If they haven't burned too many bridges, they often go back and create an amazing marriage. Especially for the sake of children, the separation should be regarded like the marriage:  Off limits!

Thanks Mimi.

-- L.

It has been great to receive these emails from readers.  To read more of them, go to:

http://www.hardtoget.com/juliet.html

and to read the original email they're talking about,
go to:  http://www.hardtoget.com/juliethasleftthebalcony.html

*   *   *   *   *   *

About "Hard To Get": "Love is meant to be exciting"

Love is meant to be exciting. The loves we remember the most are the ones which made our heart beat fast!

Sometimes it's the other way around - when hearts race while you're together, that binds you both closer and makes for lasting memories.

Love is meant to be fun. It's meant to make both of your lives better - and happier.

Make his heart race by leaning back - by waiting - by holding back - in general. That presents a challenge for your guy - in an endless number of ways!

Being "harder to get" does in fact give you an edge. It means that you understand to your core that love is meant to make our hearts race!

This in fact empowers you - it EMPOWERS you!

You do have an edge. But you're doing nothing more than what women have been doing for centuries, whether it was intentional or not.

It's simply what works, what protects your heart, and what ignites the fireworks of romance in a way that imprints YOU on his heart forever.

You are being yourself - and it's the self that is NOT desperate to win any man.

It's the self that knows she is wonderful and worth being pursued and courted by the man of her dreams. With that mindset, you're already
a winner!

What is "Hard To Get"?

Hard to Get is a time-honored principle for a reason.

Find out just how valuing yourself and using restraint and discipline on some of the urges you may have that work against you when it's the "wrong time" for what's in your head... when you might be about to do something that would NOT work in your best interest OR HIS!

Yes, love is the most exciting and wonderful "game" ever invented, so play to win. Play hard.... to get!

Have a great day, and keep your Flirt on!

With love,
Mimi Tanner

Author of "Hard To Get - The Timeless Art of Conquering His Heart"
http://www.hardtoget.com


P.S. This is an email I received from someone who owns my program "Hard To Get":

Oh my Mimi....I haven't been on this email account in months.... but I must tell you that I just got married this past Fall and I am so very happy. It all started it in 2011.  My man was a tough cookie, was never married and didn't want to ever get married.  I knew that going in, but fell in love.

So 10 months into the relationship I could tell that things were not only starting to feel stagnated, but I was being severely taken for granted.  Honestly I couldn't go on like that, so I had no choice but to do the "Reverse Ultimatum," and if it worked, great.  But I really felt like it was going to be over (which was quite painful) but this way of handling
things seemed the most natural with no drama involved.

I read the chapters that I had over and over and over for reinforcement.  I stayed happy (faked it) and made every excuse not to see him.  I was never prepared for his reaction and he started going crazy and showing up at my house with flowers (a first) and then asked if I wanted a ring. But I held my ground and six weeks later we were engaged.  And yes
he bought me the most beautiful ring!

I never gave any ultimatum, I just let him know that we were on two different pages, and that he didn't want to get married and he deserved to have what he wanted, but I deserved what I wanted to and that is to get married.

When we had that conversation after six weeks of him chasing me around (that was actually a lot of fun now that I look back) he said "sign me up!  We can go tonight if you like." Three months later, we were married. And life is wonderful, he is a wonderful husband!  I really really really want to say thank you, because your advice was right on.

That was a great email to get, as you can imagine! She's talking about the "Reverse Ultimatum" which is still being offered as part of Hard To Get at this time.

http://www.hardtoget.com

Even a minor difference toward being "harder to get" can make a major difference in how your man responds to you!
 

The Worst Outcome Imaginable 

Mimi, I thought I would add something to what has been written about starting an affair with a married man.  

I was the wife who was trying to hold a marriage together and deal with a child who was devastated that his family was being torn apart.  The pull of the "other woman" was strong enough that my husband left the marriage.  

What you don't often hear about are the devastating consequences of said actions.  Three years after the divorce my child who was extremely depressed at the loss of his family took his life.  No one can say for sure why someone takes their own life but I don't think it is coincidental that the suicide rate has almost quadrupled since the divorce rates have gone up.  

My child was not doing drugs or drinking alcohol.  He experienced many losses after his family broke up because he was hurting and felt alone and abandoned by his family, he made poor decisions.  My family is forever altered, I wish women who make the choice to run around with married men would take the time to think about what they are doing to another family.

What goes around comes around.  What makes you think that someone who would cheat on their spouse or go out with a married man will not do the same to you.  Anyone who gets a divorce needs time alone to sort out their feelings and where they have failed in the marriage before they are healed and healthy to move on to another relationship, only a fool would get involved with a married man.  

I think it is a travesty that people don't put more effort into solving their problems, especially where children are involved.

I can't bring my child back but perhaps I can prevent another person from suffering the same consequences. We as a culture need to be promoting staying and working problems out instead of running from them. Ask yourself what is the legacy you want to leave for your family?  What is the wisest decision you could make regarding your family?

- A Mom

Hi Mimi,

I have been a young girl in love with a married man in my early twenties. I have also been a wife whose husband has an affair.  The thing about it is... Everyone attacks the woman & dogs her out, but I know from experience a woman can not do anything a man doesn't allow.  

She did not make vows with this wife & commit to being a great spouse, the HUSBAND did.  If the husband would have respected his marriage from the beginning, him & his wife would be on the balcony.  

It takes two to tango, he is the man who had the power & strength & leads the woman on.  He made the vows & he broke them.  So if u condemn her, condemn him also.

- N.

Note from Mimi:  When you hear someone only blaming the woman and not recognizing where the man is at fault, that's usually coming from a woman who wants another woman to stay away.  The people who have written in here talk a lot about the man's responsibility. It almost goes without saying that we hold the man responsible for stepping outside his marriage - of course we do. As you say, it takes Two to Tango!