Here is the Original Email

Hey Beautiful,

Here is an email from a woman whose story I'm calling:

"Tell Him Juliet Has Left the Balcony":

This story was shared with me about 2 years ago...

I hope I can find out what happened. Here goes:

(Details have been changed for privacy.)

Hi Mimi,

First I have to say, your work is fantastic,
and I always look forward to your emails.

I'll try to keep this short...

I work in the medical field, and I have been
dating a highly regarded professional in the
same field for 3 years.

We are so in love with each other. We are that
couple that has to sit beside each other in
a restaurant, whose breakfast bowls have to
be touching... who everyone comments on us
wherever we go. We are so touchy-feely,
we laugh, we have so much fun... we play!
We twirl in the grocery store! Our passion
is enough to bring tears to my eyes. Sounds
too good to be true!

It is...

He ended a marriage of 20 years, moved into his
own place and has been with me ever since. I
believe he loves me, I can see it. we can sit
for hours staring into each other's eyes....

His problem is, he misses living with his children.
He sees them daily, but he says he misses the
little things of living with them. His work is
very demanding, and feels guilty he is not living
with his children. I get that.

He is spending more and more time at his ex-wife's
house to be with his kids. I even understand that...
But he has asked for "space" to figure out what to
do with his life. He often says, "Maybe I can be
home again....if I could just learn to fall in
love with my ex."

He says they have a 20-plus-year history, and he
loves her, but not that way. He says maybe if he
spends more time there he might be able to feel
something other than friendship for her.

I know he is not intimate with her, but he IS
experimenting by kissing her goodnight to see
if he can develop feelings... and somehow learn
to live without me...

However, we never last more than 3 days apart.
It's so strong, I logically cannot explain it.
I know I should let him go, figure himself out...
but I feel like I can hardly breathe without
him. And he gets the same for me. I'm not sure
if someone can *learn* to fall in love, if that
spark is not there.

Although they were together over 20 years, he
said he had no idea love could feel like it does
with us.

My problem: I know I need to leave him to figure
his life out. I follow your "tips" for a short
time; I do not call him, I wait to get back to him,
when he calls, I am sweet and keep it short... but
I end up losing it when I do the "tips" and I don't
hear from him. (I guess I want it to happen faster?)

It's never been more than a day that he doesn't call
or text... but I feel sad that "all" I get is a call.

I want him to show up!!! And I end up calling him
after about a week of following the rules.... and
talk about my feelings... and cry... but he's on
my mind ALL THE TIME.

I tried to "see" other people, and I would come home
and bawl my face off, because I don't want anyone else.
My heart is with him. Yes, it is nice to feel wanted
by other men, and to be treated how I should be... but
it overwhelms me with sadness that it is not him.

I can't get over the feelings of missing him - and
when I do see him, it's weird, it's as if none of
this ever happened. Our bond takes right back over,
and once again we are soooo happy to see each other...

Then the pattern repeats. He says we are like Romeo
and Juliet, star-crossed lovers that can't seem to
be together... but can't be apart. I cannot imagine
him not in my life.

The thought of him with someone else is devastating.
It's tearing me up, I'm so crushed. I understand his
dilemma - he is very confused and having a hard time
as well. But... now what?

We often try to set each other free... but we can't.
How can I help him decide what to do... when every
minute feels like a countdown until I can speak to
or see him again?

Logically, I can say to myself "get a life," but
emotionally I am stuck and sinking.

Thank you if you can help!

"Bethany" (not her real name)

From Mimi:

Dear Bethany,

Men like this can spend time "in limbo"
with you, the lady in waiting. They do
believe that they are in love with you.
But meanwhile, you're in an endless loop.
It's intoxicating for a while, because
when you get together, it's so wonderful -
until it isn't!!

It is not fun to be "on the fence" for anyone.
It's one thing to be grappling with a decision
for a time. But this situation has gone on for
too long, and it's only getting worse.

The playful, cozy interaction that Bethany
describes is happening for a different
reason for her than it is for him.

One reason it seems wonderful is because
Bethany is this special corner of his life -
the "romance" corner. Yet he has another
life too - that is much bigger than the
corner filled by Bethany.

This part-time relationship where one
never knows what's going to happen is
not good enough, after three years.

Bethany's man was motivated enough to
actually get a divorce, because he was
"in love." But he eventually found out
that in his heart, he was really not
divorced.

It's great that he spends time with his
children. But he's telling Bethany that
he regrets that he's no longer a part of
their day-to-day lives. He has resumed the
full-time father role, which is a good
thing indeed for his kids.

He even tells Bethany, "Maybe I can be home
again....if I could just learn to fall in
love with my ex."

It's good that he is honest with Bethany
about these feelings. But he obviously
has regrets about getting divorced and
losing his way of life - his husband and
father role.

The problem is - instead of making a decision
to return or not - he's keeping both his
ex-wife and Bethany in limbo.

A situation like this can only happen with
the consent of the ex-wife and Bethany.

He tells Bethany about his long history
with his wife, and his lack of romantic
feelings for her. He even tells her that
perhaps if he spends more time there, he
may be able to feel more for his wife
than friendship.

It sounds to me like that is already
happening! But this man wants to soften
the blow for Bethany by talking his way
around his return to his marriage.

Not only that, but this man is sending
Bethany the message over and over that he
believes that the right thing to do is to
resume being the family man he once was.
He's saying this loud and clear.

Bethany says, "I know he is not intimate
with her, but he IS experimenting by
kissing her goodnight to see if he can
develop feelings..."

It sounds to me like he's already intimate
with his ex-wife, but he can't bring himself
to tell Bethany the whole truth.

By the way - those feelings were there when
he married this woman. So I wouldn't ever
be too sure that they totally disappeared.
Marriage is powerful, spark or no spark.
People don't stay together for 20 years
for no reason.

While he's telling Bethany about his
dilemma, he's telling her how wonderful
their love is, drawing both of them into
this drama.

Bethany, you've been with this man for
three years. In my opinion, some of the
tools you are using are not right for
this situation.

I don't think you should make it easier
for him to be on the fence. Being nice
and understanding should only be a
temporary response for a temporary
situation.

It sounds clear that he leans strongly
toward becoming the husband and father
that he was before. It is more than
possible that he is spending his nights
there. His family life is where his
heart is. As long as you hang on, he gets
to have two women and a family. That
may be what he really wants, but it's
no good for you or for his ex-wife.

The problem is that a man like this may
never ever be able to make a decision on
this. He could waffle like this until the
kids are out of college.

Even after his kids are all grown up, he'll
tell you they'd still be devastated by another
split.

In a few more years, he will tell you that
his wife or ex-wife is getting older and needs
him.

It's not just the kids - it's the whole picture.
It's the in-laws, the mutual friends, and the
whole community of people who know this man
as the "husband of" and the "father of"!

If he can have all of this and have you, too,
then it's very possible that he will hang
on to you for as long as you allow it.

But all of this is his problem to solve. You
cannot keep your life on hold.

Yes, he will pine for you, and will do
everything in his power to get you back,
so he can have both the passion and the
fun - and the wife and kids too. I feel
that he will use this "intense connection"
to try to hang on to you, because it is
what keeps you with him.

There comes a point when a woman can no
longer respect a man who acts like this.
He's being dishonest with himself, you,
and his ex-wife and kids... all while
seeming to be the honest, torn, suffering
nice guy. He makes sure to keep you happy
enough so that you will stick around. And
all of this continues because you too are
going along with this, in spite of your
misgivings. Part of the reason for this
is the repeated words between you two that
you both cannot give up your intense
connection. This highly addictive love
talk is counter to the fact that this
man got a divorce but is now heading back
"home."

The pain and suffering and longing has somehow
become part and parcel of your feelings of
love, so that after all this time, you might
not feel like it's love without the pain.
It's all part of that intoxicating intensity.
However, enough is enough. His words are
no longer being backed up by his actions.

Instead of asking less of him and being so
nice to him, you will have to be the one to
"man up" here. It's your life, Bethany, and
of course you know that you deserve better.

You will get over this man, and for your
sake, the sooner, the better.

Bethany tells us, "He says we are like Romeo
and Juliet, star-crossed lovers that can't seem
to be together... but can't be apart."

That's exactly what I'm talking about, Bethany.
This man somewhere knows exactly what buttons
to push and what to say when he wants you to
feel that this is a great love that's worth
suffering over. Meanwhile, this honest, torn,
nice guy - is not that honest, torn, or nice.
But chances are that he prefers to think of
himself as a suffering hero.

This "star-crossed" talk can be very powerful,
but it's only worthwhile if it's grounded in
reality.

This relationship is indeed a fairy tale, sad
to say. I'm sure as Bethany describes, he has
tried to get off the fence and tells her that
she doesn't deserve this, but all this is
getting them nowhere and could potentially be
very hurtful.

The man who claims to want family life so
much is playing with dynamite. It makes you
wonder if he really wants this - or if he
really wants to sabotage everyone in his
life, including himself.

In such a situation, your smartest move
is probably to cut off all contact with
him, so that you can grow to the point
that you are safely and totally out of
the emotional grip of this drama for good.

Be prepared for him to pursue you. He knows
how to reach you and what has meaning for
you - your special relationship with him.

But believe me, one of the main reasons
it is special is because he can only
keep you in that part-time corner of
his world.

This man will resist you taking away
this intense, romantic corner of his
life, since he's not getting everything
he wants from his family life.

But after three years, you should not
be waiting for a call and a visit. You
should no longer be "understanding" of
anything other than that it's time to end it.

You have your own life, and you deserve
to be living it, and to not be "on call."

Would you like to know the BEST CURE for
getting over this man??? Get him to tell
you as much as possible about his ex-wife.

Think as much as you can about HER life
and what she's gone through that made
her the person she is. Put yourself
in her shoes. Don't buy into any lame
complaints he makes about her, either.

The more you think about HER, the less
you will want him - and the more you will
realize that he's jerking her around too!

This man - like most men in this kind of
situation - wants to think of himself as
Mr. Nice Guy - and portrays himself as
the tortured hero who wants "nothing
but the best" for all of you!!

How many times have you all heard THAT one?

It tends to trigger my B.S. meter when it
comes from someone who is living a double
life!!

Tell Mr. Wonderful that his Juliet has left
the balcony!!

Don't look back!! Hang on - it will get better.
But ONLY if you get out of this miserable mess.

You said he has asked for space - please, give
him that space. It's definitely best for his
family anyway!

Bethany, I know that after 3 years, this is so
hard for you, as you've described, and I want
you to know that we will be rooting for you and
even praying for you to have the strength to
leave and not allow yourself to be drawn back
in as his part-time romance relief. You deserve
SO much more.

Have a great day, everyone, and keep your Flirt on!

With love,
Mimi Tanner
Author of "Man Mistake Eraser - How to Regain a Man's
Interest"
http://www.ManMistakeEraser.com